Half as manly as you are
by Doodlett
Summary: Humantale AU (all monsters are humanized). Alphys visits a shocking memory of her dear friend Mettaton, whose life isn't as carefree and perfect as he likes to make it seem. Massive trigger warnings, seriously guys stay safe.


_**MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING**_

 _I'm usually not one for angsty fics, but I went all out on it with this oneshot. It's a fic for the humantale AU, in which all monsters are -you guessed it- humans. It focuses around trans Mettaton and his dysphoria primarily (it's from Alphys' perspective). Warnings for attempted mutilation, gender dysphoria, self-harm, alcohol use and blood. Not for the faint hearted. It does end on a good note!_

 _I also love the idea that Mettaton is disabled and that he's in a wheelchair in his 'box form', and that he wears prosthetics, provided by Alphys, in his EX form. The fic doesn't focus on this, however, so if you dislike the headcanon, you can ignore it._

 _Oh, and if you're interested, my headcanons for ethnicities include Alphys being white, Mettaton being Asian (Korean) and Undyne a mix of latin origins. Again, not very important and open to interpretation._

 _Alphys and Undyne are dating, because duh._

 _Enjoy, or suffer, idk._

 _Love, Doodlett_

* * *

'Alphys, can I ask you something?'

Alphys ripped her eyes off of Mettaton's feminine, agile movements to look up at her girlfriend instead. They were sitting on two cracking, old, wooden chairs, backstage to Mettaton's favorite studio. Hearing the audience react loudly to almost all of Mettaton's actions, they were only able to see the back of his chair and his hands, now folded on the table in front of him as he continued taking his interview.

'Yes? What is it?' Alphys answered. Mettaton had allowed them to sit backstage, under the condition that they only whispered, but speaking quietly worked well enough; it's not like their voices could ever be heard over the roaring audience or Mettaton's cackling laugh.

Alphys was quite surprised for Undyne to ask her permission for asking questions. Undyne usually wasn't that hostile or modest; the young scientist was used to her shouting whatever she wanted to know loudly, impatient for an answer. It was why she found herself very curious to her question, even more so when Undyne seemed to choose her words very, very carefully.

'You explained to me that- that Mettaton is a- _man_ in a _woman_ 's body, right?'

'Right.' Alphys nodded. She remembered the conversation from a few months ago clearly. Undyne was very unfamiliar with the world of gender orientation, despite being a lesbian and very much being part of the LGBT community. It had been endearing to see Undyne trying to wrap her head around the idea of transgender, and Alphys had felt her heart flutter when Undyne had instantly showed so much respect, even if she didn't quite understand it yet.

Struggling to find the right words, Alphys' girlfriend continued, gesturing wildly with her toned hands.

'Well, I don't understand that if- if he feels like he's a man- how come he- he doesn't, you know, act like one?'

Alphys blinked, raising her head. Undyne continued, hurriedly, when she saw that the blonde looked a little offended.

'I mean- don't get me wrong- I don't _mind_ him being girly or something, and I respect him and all but-'

Alphys' expression softened, seeing that Undyne really meant no harm. She lifted her small hand and placed it on the taller's muscular arm, reassuring her that she was doing okay. Smiling a little relieved, Undyne finished her thought.

'Like, look at me! I'm a woman in a woman's body, but I act ten times as manly as he does! He wants to be a man but he- he talks and moves like a woman and he, loves pink and make-up and glitter-'

Both the women looked up as the audience roared again and Mettaton too, laughed loudly, bending forward so they could see his perfectly contoured, pink lips, from which his feminine laugh emanated.

Alphys immediately understood Undyne's confusion. At first, finding out that Mettaton was transgender had surprised her, too. She lowered her eyes.

Silence followed- that is, between them. On stage, the cacophony continued as Alphys' best friend had answered yet another question hilariously.

'I-I'm sorry, was that an asshole thing to say?' Undyne said warily as she noticed Alphys' hand had left her arm.

'No, no it's not…' Alphys answered, her eyes still lowered as she hugged herself. She then looked up to meet Undyne's concerned gaze.

'It's just that… A few days ago, something- happened.'

Alphys stopped for a few seconds. Could she tell Undyne what happened? The experience had been quite… personal.

'….What happened?' Undyne urged her.

The scientist swallowed, and decided Undyne had to know, if she wanted to understand Mettaton better. She lowered her gaze again and reached for Undyne's hand, taking in a trembling breath. The memory certainly wasn't pretty. She waited for wave of laughter from the audience to fade before she started telling the story.

'About three days ago, late at night, I discovered I hadn't checked on Mettaton's prosthetics for way too long, and I decided that it couldn't wait until the morning after. So I grabbed my stuff and hurried to his villa…'

* * *

The cold of the evening penetrated her small shoes as she hopped up and down on the porch. Staring at the door, Alphys pushed her gloved hands deeper in her pockets and started to grow irritated as twenty seconds passed, and there still was no answer.

She had double-checked to see if he had any shows tonight, but she was sure he had a night off today. He usually spent night offs either hanging out with her or his cousin, preparing new shows or answering fanmail. All in all, Alphys really expected him to be home, so she heatedly pushed the doorbell again.

After ten more seconds, Alphys raised a fist and gathered a mouthful of air, ready to hammer down on the white door hard and shout out his name- when suddenly she heard a loud, nerve-wrecking cry coming from the house.

She froze immediately. It had been Mettaton, no doubt. Her initial thought went to obscure places, but she pushed those ideas away quickly; that shout hadn't sounded anything like a cry of pleasure. In fact, it had sounded absolutely devastated, and Alphys felt goosebumps raise on her skin.

It had sounded awful.

Alphys gulped now, lowering her hand to take hold of her brown purse, which hung from her chubby shoulder. Just when she started to ponder on opening the door with her spare key and breaking in, she heard another lament and she jumped.

It had sounded similar to the first one, but less loud and shocked. Instead it was longer and sounded sadder and was followed by some low sobs.

The scientist made a decision and opened her bag. She rummaged through it, noticing her heart had started to pound fast as she grew more concerned with every second. Goosebumps raised on her arms and neck again while she imagined al kinds of situations in which a person could scream out in terror like Mettaton had, one scenario worse than the other. Her trembling hand found the spare key and stuck it in the keyhole hurriedly and she pushed the door open.

As soon as she stepped inside the beautiful, white hall, she could hear continues weeping from upstairs. She closed the door behind her and dropped her purse on the floor with a thud as she ran towards the broad stairs, her shoes clicking on the marble, but not overcoming the cries from above.

It sounded heart-breaking. Mettaton's weeping instantly gave the sensitive woman a lump in her throat as well, accompanied by the goosebumps and pounding heartbeat. She rushed up the stairs, the crying growing louder with every step, and before she realized, she had opened her own mouth to shout towards her dear friend.

'Mettaton! Mettaton I'm coming!'

At the top of the stairs, she quickly concluded the ceaseless weeping came from his bedroom and she ran for it. His bedroom door stood open on a crack, and she slammed against it. Standing in the doorway, she froze to the scene in front of her.

Mettaton stood in the middle of the room and looked up when she stormed inside. His face had an expression of complete terror and it shocked the scientist, to say the least. His normally perfect eye make up was now smudged on his pale cheeks, dragged down by his tears. His eyes were bloodshot and the black locks of hair stuck out randomly on his scalp. His eyes and cheeks were wet with tears.

But his face wasn't what scared Alphys the most. The moment her hazel eyes rolled lower, she gasped loudly, holding back a shout of terror as she placed her hand palm in front of her mouth in shock.

With one hand, Mettaton had pulled up his black tank top. With the other, he pointed a sharp, silver kitchen knife directly towards his stomach. His abdomen was bleeding horribly. The red blood shined brightly on the knife and his skin, trickling down to his pink prosthetics. He wasn't wearing any pants, only a white pair of panties, which was now ruined beyond fixing.

Alphys stare switched from Mettaton's trembling hands to his face and back. She faintly noticed the smell of alcohol and puke in the room and her own stomach jumped. In his surprise, Mettaton had stopped crying, and it was horrifyingly quiet for a few seconds as his piercing stare left Alphys feeling terrified.

What on earth was he doing? Was he trying to end his own life!? Right here and now, with a knife to the stomach!? Alphys suspected he was drunk, what'd not only explain the stench of alcohol, but also this absurd behavior.

Finally, Alphys lowered her trembling hands before reaching out to him. She opened her mouth.

'M-Mettaton- What- what are you d-do-' She whispered, her voice trembling awfully, but she got interrupted.

Mettaton's cry was so loud that Alphys promptly tripped and fell back with surprise. Landing on her butt, she raised one arm in front of her, feeling absolutely terrified as Mettaton screamed, at the top of his lungs:

'I'M GOING TO CUT IT OUT!'

Alphys watched in horror as he started prying in his skin with the knife again. His tears started rolling again and his screams became more incoherent, interrupted by sobs of pain.

'I'M GOING TO CUT IT OUT! I- I'M RIPPING IT OUT, ALPHYS!'

Alphys was scared out of her mind. Never, ever in her life ever, had she seen him like this- or anyone. She wasn't quite sure what he was talking about, but his words didn't completely settle in her brain anyway. She was way too terrified for her own well being- until she came to her senses.

He was not going to hurt her. The only person he was hurting was he himself, and she had to intervene.

She forced herself to her feet, cringing as Mettaton's screaming continued, but got quieter, sobs wrecking him to the bone. She still saw him stabbing his own abdomen, spurts of blood gushing out, and suddenly Alphys felt the muscles in her body working again. She jumped forward and approached him.

The smell of alcohol and throw-up got worse, especially when she smelled his breath while he cried and cried. She forced herself to ignore it as her trembling hands reached up and she finally found her voice again.

'Mettaton- Mettaton _please-'_

'I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I'M GOING TO CUT IT OUT!'

Alphys took hold of the arm that was holding the knife and started to pull it away from his bleeding abdomen. This was surprisingly easy, the muscles in Mettaton's thin arms absolutely exhausted.

'Mettaton- give me the knife- give me the knife!' She commanded, raising her voice to overcome his wailing. She couldn't really make out what he was saying anymore, he repeated that he was going to cut 'it' out, that he couldn't take it anymore and other desperate things. She heard her name a few times, too.

She tasted the sweat on her lips as she stuck out her tongue a little in concentration, trying to pry out the knife from Mettaton's clutching fingers. Finally, she succeeded, and in one, fast motion, she threw the knife away as far as it could. It slammed against the wall, leaving a red bloodstain before it fell to the ground.

Alphys turned her head towards her friend again and wanted to ask him a million questions, but he collapsed instantly.

His heavy prosthetics landed on the floor with a loud 'bang' as he threw his arms around his much shorter friend's neck. His face landed on her shoulder as he started crying to the fullest. He had given up on trying to form words, he just wailed in her ear loudly, tears dripping down to her coat and the blood on his hands staining her back.

Alphys was overwhelmed and dumbfounded, feeling her knees tremble under his weight, as he appeared to cling onto her with all of it. She swallowed, feeling tears prick in her own eyes, as she carefully embraced him. All Mettaton did was cry.

* * *

It was quiet for a few seconds. Even the stage and the audience was a bit less noisily than before, perhaps they were discussing something a little more serious. Alphys' gaze switched from Undyne's fingers, intertwined with hers, to the woman's face.

Undyne's expression was a mix of horror, disgust and pity. Her eyes were wide and she seemed to struggle to find her voice again when Alphys didn't continue talking.

'W-what!? I don't- I don't understand? Was he trying to- kill himself?' She managed to say, shaking her head a little in disbelief, making her scarlet pony tail bounce.

Alphys shook her head, too.

'No.' She dismissed the thought, 'No it- it turns out… He told me that he went drinking with a couple of friends. He was pretty wasted when he got home, but then he found out he had started his- his period.'

Alphys swallowed and took a trembling sigh. It was painful to talk about her dear friend like this. So vulnerable and weak… It was very unlike the Mettaton Undyne thought she knew, but the blonde continued.

'He's usually able to handle menstruation but- but this time, he snapped, because of the alcohol. So he- he started to drink even more and- after a while he grabbed a knife and…'

Alphys looked up, her eyes moist as she added:

'He- he tried to cut out it his own uterus.'

'Jesus Christ.' Undyne said breathlessly.

Alphys lowered her head sadly. Undyne needed a few seconds to take it in; the scientist felt her chubby fingers squeezed tight by Undyne's. The audience at the show erupted another wave of laughter: the more serious part of the interview seemed to be finished.

'So… what.. what happened next? What did you do?' The taller asked silently.

Alphys shrugged, staring at their hands.

'I cleaned and patched up his wound. Then I helped him change his clothes, and tucked him into bed. He had thrown up in the trashcan, so I took that out, together with the knife and an empty wine bottle. When I got back upstairs, he had fallen asleep.'

'And you left him alone?' Undyne asked.

'Not before hiding all his knives and scissors, just to be sure.' The scientist answered.

She closed her eyes and pressed her hand against her mouth, her sadness taking hold of her. Undyne immediately pulled her close in a tight embrace and Alphys buried her face in her neck.

'It was so terrifying, Undyne-' She whispered, the lump in her throat apparent in her voice.

'I was so scared- I didn't know what to do…'

Undyne shushed her, rocking her body softly, making the chairs creak. They sat like this for a few moments while Undyne's soft words and quiet kisses calmed her down. Finally, she freed herself out of her embrace, wiping a few tears off her cheeks. She smiled the slightest bit at her girlfriend, reassuring her that she was okay, earning a relieved smile back. Alphys breath trembled again while Undyne placed one last kiss on her forehead.

'You- you know what might've been the strangest thing of all?' Alphys asked, raising her head. Undyne shook hers.

'The morning after, I called him immediately, and he acted like he didn't have a care in the world! He apologized happily!'

' _Happily_!?' Undyne asked, disbelieving.

Alphys puffed up her chest and started imitating Mettaton's elegant voice:

' '' _Whoopsie-daisy! Looks like I had one too many yesterday! So sorry for the trouble, darling! But please, do tell me where my knives are. I am DYING for a fruit smoothie, but I can't cut my pears with a spoon!'' '_

Undyne let out a nervous laugh. Alphys understood that; the whole situation was absurd.

'I went over to his house and helped him make the smoothies to make sure he wasn't planning anything, but he was behaving like his normal self… prancing around his house, making fun of his employees, his voice as melodious as always, telling me how beautiful I looked that morning, even though I had had two hours of sleep… Just, the usual.'

'That's… that's crazy, Alphys.' Undyne said, disbelief still visible in her eyes.

Alphys nodded in agreement and carefully placed her head on her girlfriend's shoulder, who immediately responded by placing her own on top of hers. Their hands still held, Alphys cleared her throat.

'Undyne, Mettaton's behavior and looks… it's got nothing to do with his gender. He really, really is a man, one with more issues than he likes to admit to the media, and even to his closest friends.'

'I understand. I'm sorry.' Undyne responded, nudging her head affectionately.

'It's okay.'

Shortly after that, the two were pulled out of the sweet moment they shared, as the tv show came to an end. They hopped off their chairs when crewmembers started crowding backstage, shouting instructions to each other to wrap up the working place quickly, so they all could go home. The lights got turned on and they heard the rumbling of the audience leaving their seats while some music started playing. Alphys felt Undyne taking her hand and she allowed her girlfriend to pull her away.

Alphys was surprised to see Undyne was taking her to the rooms behind the stage and she watched as she looked around, seemingly looking for-

'Oh, there it is.'

They stood still in front of a pink door with a golden star on it. ' _Mettaton_ ' was written on it with curly letters. It was his changing room. Alphys looked up to her lover, unsure what she wanted to do here. Did she want to go in? It didn't seem so, because Undyne hid her hands in her pockets and started rolling on her heels. She seemed to be waiting for something- or someone- and Alphys joined her without a word.

About a minute later, Alphys heard the familiar sounds of Mettaton's stiletto's clicking on the floor. Both the women looked up as he turned a corner and appeared at the end of the hall.

He looked up and blinked surprised when he saw them, but his lips then curled into a warm smile. He cocked his head the slightest, his luscious black hairs waving to the side while he placed his hands in his sides, approaching them with that iconic, sensual walk he did, his hips swaying.

'Why hello, ladies! To what do I owe the pleasure- Oh!'

Alphys' eyes went wide; Undyne had jumped forward and swung her arms around his shoulders, hugging him tightly. Undyne wasn't a person for hugs. She loved hugging Alphys, and sometimes she liked to hug her best friend Papyrus, but _Mettaton_? Before the two could fully register this bizarre act, Undyne said:

'You are so cool, Mettaton. I wish I was half as manly as you are.'

Mettaton looked at Alphys for help, his expression very surprised and a bit nervous, but she could also sense he felt a little flattered. Alphys felt her cheeks warm up as she started to smile broadly.

Finally, Mettaton regained control of himself, and he raised an arm to place his fingers on his lips in surprise, a natural red tint mixing with his pink, make-up blush. Smiling now, he stammered:

'Oh- Oh darling this is- quite the surprise!'

Alphys giggled to herself and stepped closer. She reached up and wrapped her arms around Mettaton's waist, joining the everlasting hug happily. Closing her eyes, she felt Mettaton jump slightly in her arms. From a chuckle or maybe a tiny sob; she couldn't tell.

* * *

 _I really, really hope I don't offend anyone with this. I'm cisgender myself, but I had my friend, a transman, proofread it, to make sure it doesn't contain any inaccuracies. If I do offend you, I'm really sorry. Please just click that magical 'X' button on top of the page and don't leave any hate. Critique, however, IS welcomed and appreciated._

 _(Btw If you found the part with 'a man in a woman's body' offensive, please understand it was a simple way of explaining transgenderism to Undyne, who wasn't familiar with the subject. I know it is way more complicated than that. Don't judge the writer by the character's actions.)_

 _Thank you so much for reading, leave a comment if you enjoyed it!_

 _Love, Doodlett_


End file.
